Let's start with the moose on the table, if you will. I am now a mother of 4. Yet can only hold one of my babies. I'm sad to say that I had another miscarriage 10 days ago. But, I do not want to dwell on the sadness. Rob and I are working with the doctors to see why this keeps happening and hope that sometime next year, we can happily announce to everyone that we're expecting and have everything go well.
In the meantime, this is what I'm thankful for this holiday season.
2009, here it goes:
My healthy baby boy. Maddux is such a rockstar, in every way. He makes us smile and laugh all the time.
My wonderful husband. I can't imagine this journey of life without him.
Good friends. When the going gets tough, they are there with wine.
The crockpot. Makes my life so much easier.
My parents. So much support from them, my love is indescribable.
Bing Crosby. Watching White Christmas every year brings my grampa closer to me. (I think BC and gramps strongly resemble each other in their younger years.)
The new coffeepot. 8 glorious cups. Gets me through the day!
The dishwasher. I had no idea how much I loved you until you were gone.
Chocolate. I will always love you. "And, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu..." in my best Whitney Houston voice. Which is really bad, btw. But, still.
2010. What I hope for you!
Peace. I just want to feel peace. Like everything is going to be okay.
A healthy pregnancy somewhere in the next 365. My OB hopes for you too. Even she's tired of seeing me for bad news.
Some of these extra pounds to come off. I really need to start liking running and be able to get to the gym to do it.
Less family tension. This will sound random and vague, but I really want things to work out better than they have in the past. I don't like the stress. And, I don't know how to fix it. But, I am going to work hard to figure it all out.
A better summer, weather wise. I want to be able to use the pool before August. Mother nature - are you listening? And, if I can provide some guidance for you, I would love the warm, sunny weather to start in May. No need to wait until June for it. TYVM!
So, since I'm such a terrible blogger, I'm gonna go ahead and predict that I won't be posting again anytime soon. I wish you all (all 3 of you who read this), a Merry Christmas and a happy and safe new year. Yep, I said it. Merry Christmas. How non-pc of me. =)
XOXO
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Bombshell
Some of you may already know this about me. And, some, well, this may be shocking. I am a mother of three.
My beautiful son, M, is a big brother to two angel babies. We lost our first angel baby in February 2009. We were surprised to find out on Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. And, we were so excited. That excitement lasted only 11 days. I had a fairly violent miscarriage on February 25. It was, thankfully, all over within 7 hours. I didn't have any physical pain, other than a bump on my head from where I passed out in the bathroom and Rob caught me before I fell too hard. But, my emotional pain was excruciating. I felt like a horrible mother to M, too, since when I came home from the hospital, looking at my beautiful 8 month old made me cry. It made me miss what I no longer had. I spent many months trying to come to terms with that grief.
In the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant again. Elation is a pretty good word for it. I was excited to feel morning sickness. You know, to let you know everything is okay. And, I did. I was nauseous, bloated, insatiably hungry - all great signs of a healthy pregnancy. We even had a scare at one point. Rob and I went in for an ultrasound but everything looked great. It was still early to see a heartbeat. But, the doctor said that the baby looked to be progressing well. There was the beginning of a yolk sac and fetal pole. We were riding high! At the follow up a week later, the ultrasound, unfortunately, showed no further development. Once again, my baby died. This time, it was not as quick. I had to schedule a D&C. I waited 3 days for it. It was a long three days. But, it's over now.
My grief for my second miscarriage is a little different. I feel like it's being delayed since we are now going to do some testing to see if there's a reason I've had two miscarriages in 7 months. I'm not looking forward to that grief hitting me though. I feel like I'm going to be blindsided by it at some point.
Our losses weigh heavily on my mind. As far as I know, only our parents and a few close friends know about them. But, I have an inkling that some of those we trusted in real life with this information did not keep our secret for us. I struggle with going public with this eventually. I get tired of hearing from those that don't know "so, when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet M can't wait to be a big brother." Yeah, I know this. I don't need to be reminded. But, I can't fault someone for saying that if they don't know what we've been through.
But, on the flip side, it breaks my heart to hear a comment like "oh, I had one (m/c) and it's not a big deal." First, please don't negate my feelings. It bears repeating - I'm a mother of 3 who can only hug one child. Second, my babies died. Inside of me. That, in and of itself, is devastating. So, please don't tell me the loss of my child is "no big deal." I won't forget them. Ever.
One thing that is really eating away at me lately is a sense of bitterness over people who don't appreciate what they have, in terms of their children. I feel like I'm in a "why me?" stage right now. I keep thinking of the people who drink, do drugs, smoke and just don't take care of themselves while they are pregnant - yet they reproduce with no problems. And, here I am. Asking why me? Or I should say "Why not me?" I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink (while pregnant) and I try to take care of myself as best as I can.
I love M so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. And, I know I'm lucky to have him. There are a lot of people out there who struggle with infertility (IF). Some of those people, I count as some of my closest friends. So, I don't mean to come off insensitive to that. I just have a different problem - I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I have a problem staying pregnant.
And, with that, I need a break from reliving this.
XOXO
My beautiful son, M, is a big brother to two angel babies. We lost our first angel baby in February 2009. We were surprised to find out on Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. And, we were so excited. That excitement lasted only 11 days. I had a fairly violent miscarriage on February 25. It was, thankfully, all over within 7 hours. I didn't have any physical pain, other than a bump on my head from where I passed out in the bathroom and Rob caught me before I fell too hard. But, my emotional pain was excruciating. I felt like a horrible mother to M, too, since when I came home from the hospital, looking at my beautiful 8 month old made me cry. It made me miss what I no longer had. I spent many months trying to come to terms with that grief.
In the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant again. Elation is a pretty good word for it. I was excited to feel morning sickness. You know, to let you know everything is okay. And, I did. I was nauseous, bloated, insatiably hungry - all great signs of a healthy pregnancy. We even had a scare at one point. Rob and I went in for an ultrasound but everything looked great. It was still early to see a heartbeat. But, the doctor said that the baby looked to be progressing well. There was the beginning of a yolk sac and fetal pole. We were riding high! At the follow up a week later, the ultrasound, unfortunately, showed no further development. Once again, my baby died. This time, it was not as quick. I had to schedule a D&C. I waited 3 days for it. It was a long three days. But, it's over now.
My grief for my second miscarriage is a little different. I feel like it's being delayed since we are now going to do some testing to see if there's a reason I've had two miscarriages in 7 months. I'm not looking forward to that grief hitting me though. I feel like I'm going to be blindsided by it at some point.
Our losses weigh heavily on my mind. As far as I know, only our parents and a few close friends know about them. But, I have an inkling that some of those we trusted in real life with this information did not keep our secret for us. I struggle with going public with this eventually. I get tired of hearing from those that don't know "so, when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet M can't wait to be a big brother." Yeah, I know this. I don't need to be reminded. But, I can't fault someone for saying that if they don't know what we've been through.
But, on the flip side, it breaks my heart to hear a comment like "oh, I had one (m/c) and it's not a big deal." First, please don't negate my feelings. It bears repeating - I'm a mother of 3 who can only hug one child. Second, my babies died. Inside of me. That, in and of itself, is devastating. So, please don't tell me the loss of my child is "no big deal." I won't forget them. Ever.
One thing that is really eating away at me lately is a sense of bitterness over people who don't appreciate what they have, in terms of their children. I feel like I'm in a "why me?" stage right now. I keep thinking of the people who drink, do drugs, smoke and just don't take care of themselves while they are pregnant - yet they reproduce with no problems. And, here I am. Asking why me? Or I should say "Why not me?" I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink (while pregnant) and I try to take care of myself as best as I can.
I love M so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. And, I know I'm lucky to have him. There are a lot of people out there who struggle with infertility (IF). Some of those people, I count as some of my closest friends. So, I don't mean to come off insensitive to that. I just have a different problem - I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I have a problem staying pregnant.
And, with that, I need a break from reliving this.
XOXO
No sleep for me!
I love sleep. I love to sleep 8-10 hours at a clip if I can. It doesn't happen often with a 15 month old, but sometimes....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....heaven. Last night, I woke up around 1am and couldn't get back to sleep. Running through my mind was one of my friend's and her difficult situation. Obviously, it's not my story to share details, so I won't. But, I'm so worried about her. She's dealing with someone close to her who has a severe mental illness and is self-medicating with alcohol. This person has no concept of reality and is living in his/her own world. My friend is doing everything she can for this person, but it's far from being appreciated. I'm so afraid she's going to end up physically hurt by this person. And, the possibilities are what kept me awake for most of last night.
Just a quick check in right now, but will blog more later with my own problems.
Just a quick check in right now, but will blog more later with my own problems.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Well, Hello There!
The beginning of the blog.
The first post is always the hardest. Where to start? My name is Terri. I am a married, 30-something mom to a gorgeous little boy. We'll call him "M." I like the beach and having my toes in the sand. Hence the title of my blog. Genius, I tell you. Shout out to my friend, Miranda for the inspiration. She's creative. Me? Not so much.
Why am I doing this?
Well, a lot has been going on in my life lately. I need an outlet for my brain. Otherwise, it may very well explode. There's no rhyme or reason to this. Although, I've always secretly liked writing. I hope that this is somewhat entertaining. Probably not all the time, but hey - life's not a beach all the time either, right?
The first post is always the hardest. Where to start? My name is Terri. I am a married, 30-something mom to a gorgeous little boy. We'll call him "M." I like the beach and having my toes in the sand. Hence the title of my blog. Genius, I tell you. Shout out to my friend, Miranda for the inspiration. She's creative. Me? Not so much.
Why am I doing this?
Well, a lot has been going on in my life lately. I need an outlet for my brain. Otherwise, it may very well explode. There's no rhyme or reason to this. Although, I've always secretly liked writing. I hope that this is somewhat entertaining. Probably not all the time, but hey - life's not a beach all the time either, right?
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