The Bombshell

Some of you may already know this about me. And, some, well, this may be shocking. I am a mother of three.

My beautiful son, M, is a big brother to two angel babies. We lost our first angel baby in February 2009. We were surprised to find out on Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. And, we were so excited. That excitement lasted only 11 days. I had a fairly violent miscarriage on February 25. It was, thankfully, all over within 7 hours. I didn't have any physical pain, other than a bump on my head from where I passed out in the bathroom and Rob caught me before I fell too hard. But, my emotional pain was excruciating. I felt like a horrible mother to M, too, since when I came home from the hospital, looking at my beautiful 8 month old made me cry. It made me miss what I no longer had. I spent many months trying to come to terms with that grief.

In the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant again. Elation is a pretty good word for it. I was excited to feel morning sickness. You know, to let you know everything is okay. And, I did. I was nauseous, bloated, insatiably hungry - all great signs of a healthy pregnancy. We even had a scare at one point. Rob and I went in for an ultrasound but everything looked great. It was still early to see a heartbeat. But, the doctor said that the baby looked to be progressing well. There was the beginning of a yolk sac and fetal pole. We were riding high! At the follow up a week later, the ultrasound, unfortunately, showed no further development. Once again, my baby died. This time, it was not as quick. I had to schedule a D&C. I waited 3 days for it. It was a long three days. But, it's over now.

My grief for my second miscarriage is a little different. I feel like it's being delayed since we are now going to do some testing to see if there's a reason I've had two miscarriages in 7 months. I'm not looking forward to that grief hitting me though. I feel like I'm going to be blindsided by it at some point.

Our losses weigh heavily on my mind. As far as I know, only our parents and a few close friends know about them. But, I have an inkling that some of those we trusted in real life with this information did not keep our secret for us. I struggle with going public with this eventually. I get tired of hearing from those that don't know "so, when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet M can't wait to be a big brother." Yeah, I know this. I don't need to be reminded. But, I can't fault someone for saying that if they don't know what we've been through.

But, on the flip side, it breaks my heart to hear a comment like "oh, I had one (m/c) and it's not a big deal." First, please don't negate my feelings. It bears repeating - I'm a mother of 3 who can only hug one child. Second, my babies died. Inside of me. That, in and of itself, is devastating. So, please don't tell me the loss of my child is "no big deal." I won't forget them. Ever.

One thing that is really eating away at me lately is a sense of bitterness over people who don't appreciate what they have, in terms of their children. I feel like I'm in a "why me?" stage right now. I keep thinking of the people who drink, do drugs, smoke and just don't take care of themselves while they are pregnant - yet they reproduce with no problems. And, here I am. Asking why me? Or I should say "Why not me?" I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink (while pregnant) and I try to take care of myself as best as I can.

I love M so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. And, I know I'm lucky to have him. There are a lot of people out there who struggle with infertility (IF). Some of those people, I count as some of my closest friends. So, I don't mean to come off insensitive to that. I just have a different problem - I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I have a problem staying pregnant.

And, with that, I need a break from reliving this.

XOXO