It's been a while since my last post. I'm really trying to get better at this whole blogging thing. I just seemed to get sidetracked. And, frankly, I'm not sure with what. Meh, I'm here now and typing away. So much is going on.
I had the appointment with the RE last week. I really liked her which means I now officially love all of these doctors that are trying to get me pregnant again! We were there for about an hour and a half and they were very thorough. They even did blood work on both of us. The RE wants me to have one more test, an SHG, which is less painful than an HSG. (Yay!) She just wants to take another peek to see what's going on. But, as it stands, I will be having surgery sometime in the next month or so. I hope its sooner than later so we can fix everything and hopefully have a positive outcome.
I find it very funny that whenever we talk about the hemorrhage after Maddux, we get raised eyebrows. The RE and her intern were in the room talking with us. This is how it played out.
Me: I had no complications while pregnant, but I did have a hemorrhage after he was born.
RE: Oh, you had one right after?
Me: No. Ten days later.
RE: O_O
Intern: O_O
And, all eyebrows were raised over those shocked and blank looks. Rob and I actually find the reactions funny. But, really, it must mean that it's just so rare that most people don't usually hear about it. Eh, whatever. It's in the past. All we can do is hope it doesn't happen again.
It looks like we are a bit more public in our struggles this time around. I know Rob talked to someone in his family who he's had a hard time keeping this all from. I think it made him feel better that he now has someone else he can talk to about it. It's not that we weren't telling people before, but we were really selective in who knew about our miscarriages. We live in a small town and weren't ready to share with everyone before. My! How times have changed. Oddly enough, I look forward to talking about it a little. When I get asked "Oh, when will Maddux be a big brother?", I get tired of the standard "Someday" answer. I would love to gently educate those who inquire that we've had some struggles since having him and can't wait to have another one. But, sometimes, it hurts so much to have to answer that question, I just want to scream - "I HAVE FOUR BABIES! I CAN ONLY HOLD ONE!" But, that would be mean of me to put a well-meaning person on the spot like that. So, I'm hoping with some gentle education, maybe the inquirers will learn that it's a really personal question and not always appropriate to ask.
Who knows? It could backfire. I wonder who the first person will be to tell me to "Relax", and it will happen. Uh, yeah. I'm going to revert to the 90's and put my thumbs together making a "W" with my fingers. Whatever! No, it will not happen if I just relax. I need medical intervention to stay pregnant. Otherwise, I will be having more miscarriages. And, frankly, I don't know why I need to have more than three. I've had my share...and then some.
I definitely need to write more. This is so cathartic. But, alas, I must run off and do some housework while the babe is sleeping. Until next time...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
HSG results in!
Looks like there's a surgery in my future. Again. That means another IV. I hate IVs. I mean, no one likes needles - I get that. But, I really hate IVs. Maybe it's just because it seems that every time they try to give me one, it takes a few tries. C'mon people! Help a sistah out! Just send the anesthesiologist right away - I don't want an amateur sticking me with a thick needle!
Ok, so back to the point of my post. My results show either one large fibroid or a bunch of little polyps. So, I'm having some surgery to remove it/them and hopefully that will solve my problem. Before I have it, I'll be going to a reproductive endocrinologist next week. Dr. G just wants a second opinion but she is 99% sure that the surgery will be done.
I feel ridiculously relieved that we finally have some answers. Since patience is not a virtue I possess, I'm also really happy that we got answers now...rather than months from now.
Ok, so back to the point of my post. My results show either one large fibroid or a bunch of little polyps. So, I'm having some surgery to remove it/them and hopefully that will solve my problem. Before I have it, I'll be going to a reproductive endocrinologist next week. Dr. G just wants a second opinion but she is 99% sure that the surgery will be done.
I feel ridiculously relieved that we finally have some answers. Since patience is not a virtue I possess, I'm also really happy that we got answers now...rather than months from now.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Secondary Infertility
Two words that I didn't expect to hear. Two words that I didn't want to hear. My only exposure to infertility (IF) is negative. It's heartbreaking, ruthless and the cause of countless tears.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. Yesterday, I had an HSG. If you want to know the full term, feel free to google. I'm kinda lazy this morning. Basically, it was a dye test to see what was going on in my ute. Fun times. Especially when it took 3 tries to get the catheter in. Meh, this might be TMI, but since I've had Maddux, most of my modesty flew far, far away. Anyway, the radiologist who ended up doing the procedure asked if I was there due to infertility. I said "no." I didn't have a problem getting pregnant. Only staying that way. Then, she said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, dear, but that's secondary infertility."
O_O <----That's me wide eyed. What was this woman talking about? I'm not infertile. I can't be! I couldn't wait to get home and do some googling of my own. But, alas, Google does not lie. Infertility is not just the inability to get pregnant, it's the inability to stay pregnant and carry to full term.
Needless to say, it was shocking. Not what I was expecting. I'm hoping to talk to my own OB at some point today to go over the results of my HSG and ask her about Secondary IF. Wish me luck with that conversation. I have a feeling that, once again, my poor OB will be consoling a crying me. Have I told you about my OB, Dr, G? No? Oh, well, let me tell you - I love her! Seriously, love, love, love her. I want to have her over for dinner and wine. If I could have a dinner party with 5 people, I'd have her, Michelle Obama, Oprah and Rachael Ray. Oh, and me, of course. Dr. G has been my biggest cheerleader with my pregnancies. She's there with support when I need it, answers when I need them and silent hugs when I need those too.
I digress. But, you get the point. I love Dr. G. But, I do hope that we get some further answers with this last set of tests. This is the one I'd been waiting for. So, if I have to be labeled with Secondary IF, at least let me get some closure on why all of this is happening with my results.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. Yesterday, I had an HSG. If you want to know the full term, feel free to google. I'm kinda lazy this morning. Basically, it was a dye test to see what was going on in my ute. Fun times. Especially when it took 3 tries to get the catheter in. Meh, this might be TMI, but since I've had Maddux, most of my modesty flew far, far away. Anyway, the radiologist who ended up doing the procedure asked if I was there due to infertility. I said "no." I didn't have a problem getting pregnant. Only staying that way. Then, she said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, dear, but that's secondary infertility."
O_O <----That's me wide eyed. What was this woman talking about? I'm not infertile. I can't be! I couldn't wait to get home and do some googling of my own. But, alas, Google does not lie. Infertility is not just the inability to get pregnant, it's the inability to stay pregnant and carry to full term.
Needless to say, it was shocking. Not what I was expecting. I'm hoping to talk to my own OB at some point today to go over the results of my HSG and ask her about Secondary IF. Wish me luck with that conversation. I have a feeling that, once again, my poor OB will be consoling a crying me. Have I told you about my OB, Dr, G? No? Oh, well, let me tell you - I love her! Seriously, love, love, love her. I want to have her over for dinner and wine. If I could have a dinner party with 5 people, I'd have her, Michelle Obama, Oprah and Rachael Ray. Oh, and me, of course. Dr. G has been my biggest cheerleader with my pregnancies. She's there with support when I need it, answers when I need them and silent hugs when I need those too.
I digress. But, you get the point. I love Dr. G. But, I do hope that we get some further answers with this last set of tests. This is the one I'd been waiting for. So, if I have to be labeled with Secondary IF, at least let me get some closure on why all of this is happening with my results.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Oh, Pilates..
how I loathe you.
Seriously. I know it's not supposed to be easy. But, in the words of my deceased grandmother - HOLY MACKERAL!
I went to the gym yesterday and did the elliptical, in my quest to get back into shape. So, instead of going again today, I thought I'd do some Pilates On Demand. It was 20 minutes - how hard could it be?
First, let me tell you, I used to be in exceptional shape. I was fairly athletic and was a gymnast growing up. So, I have a decent set of "base" muscles. I have no idea if that's actually true but it sounds good, doesn't it? Until I had my son, my body would easily bounce back into an OK shape if I worked at it a little. For lack of any other ideas, I always thought it was because of my gymnastics background.
I digress. Pilates is evil. At least, when I have no tone in my abs to speak of. I know I will be feeling this tomorrow.
There is an upside, though. I found a pretty neat little ab exercise that I would never do anywhere but the privacy of my own living room. But, I will share with the interwebz. Here goes:
Lie on your back on the floor.
Raise your feet straight up so you look like an "L".
Now, shimmy your hips back and forth, keeping your hips on the floor.
I know, you are laughing. I was too. But, that was quite the burn I felt in my core. So, if nothing else, I have a little move to do for my abs other than the basic crunches.
So, will I ever attempt Pilates again? Maybe. I'm not ruling it out. I may just give myself a little time and opportunity to tone up a little and lose a little belly flab. Maybe that will make it more bearable.
Seriously. I know it's not supposed to be easy. But, in the words of my deceased grandmother - HOLY MACKERAL!
I went to the gym yesterday and did the elliptical, in my quest to get back into shape. So, instead of going again today, I thought I'd do some Pilates On Demand. It was 20 minutes - how hard could it be?
First, let me tell you, I used to be in exceptional shape. I was fairly athletic and was a gymnast growing up. So, I have a decent set of "base" muscles. I have no idea if that's actually true but it sounds good, doesn't it? Until I had my son, my body would easily bounce back into an OK shape if I worked at it a little. For lack of any other ideas, I always thought it was because of my gymnastics background.
I digress. Pilates is evil. At least, when I have no tone in my abs to speak of. I know I will be feeling this tomorrow.
There is an upside, though. I found a pretty neat little ab exercise that I would never do anywhere but the privacy of my own living room. But, I will share with the interwebz. Here goes:
Lie on your back on the floor.
Raise your feet straight up so you look like an "L".
Now, shimmy your hips back and forth, keeping your hips on the floor.
I know, you are laughing. I was too. But, that was quite the burn I felt in my core. So, if nothing else, I have a little move to do for my abs other than the basic crunches.
So, will I ever attempt Pilates again? Maybe. I'm not ruling it out. I may just give myself a little time and opportunity to tone up a little and lose a little belly flab. Maybe that will make it more bearable.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010 - You're here!
I'm so happy to see you! Yet, you bring much snow, wind and cold with you. What is up with that?
Our New Year's was uneventful. We had dinner with friends, came back to our house, drank Gingerbreak martinis and watched some idiot jump over water in a car. But, more important - we spent time with good friends. And, the martinis were good. It couldn't get any better than that.
On a sadder note, Rob's great grandmother passed last week. She was 105 years old. What a great, long life. She suffered toward the end, so I hope she is at peace now. I can't imagine being 105. I mean, did she always have indoor plumbing? Or, what was it like to see the invention of television? While I have no burning desire to live that long, I can't help but think about all of the history she was alive to experience. WWI, WWII, and all other wars of the century. The Great Depression. Even the introduction of automobiles. Wow. I'm in awe. The services are later today and tomorrow, and I will be celebrating this strong woman's life and doing my best not to mourn her death. RIP, Nana!
Stay warm all. Until next time!
xoxo
Our New Year's was uneventful. We had dinner with friends, came back to our house, drank Gingerbreak martinis and watched some idiot jump over water in a car. But, more important - we spent time with good friends. And, the martinis were good. It couldn't get any better than that.
On a sadder note, Rob's great grandmother passed last week. She was 105 years old. What a great, long life. She suffered toward the end, so I hope she is at peace now. I can't imagine being 105. I mean, did she always have indoor plumbing? Or, what was it like to see the invention of television? While I have no burning desire to live that long, I can't help but think about all of the history she was alive to experience. WWI, WWII, and all other wars of the century. The Great Depression. Even the introduction of automobiles. Wow. I'm in awe. The services are later today and tomorrow, and I will be celebrating this strong woman's life and doing my best not to mourn her death. RIP, Nana!
Stay warm all. Until next time!
xoxo
Monday, December 14, 2009
2010 has GOT to be a better year!
Let's start with the moose on the table, if you will. I am now a mother of 4. Yet can only hold one of my babies. I'm sad to say that I had another miscarriage 10 days ago. But, I do not want to dwell on the sadness. Rob and I are working with the doctors to see why this keeps happening and hope that sometime next year, we can happily announce to everyone that we're expecting and have everything go well.
In the meantime, this is what I'm thankful for this holiday season.
2009, here it goes:
My healthy baby boy. Maddux is such a rockstar, in every way. He makes us smile and laugh all the time.
My wonderful husband. I can't imagine this journey of life without him.
Good friends. When the going gets tough, they are there with wine.
The crockpot. Makes my life so much easier.
My parents. So much support from them, my love is indescribable.
Bing Crosby. Watching White Christmas every year brings my grampa closer to me. (I think BC and gramps strongly resemble each other in their younger years.)
The new coffeepot. 8 glorious cups. Gets me through the day!
The dishwasher. I had no idea how much I loved you until you were gone.
Chocolate. I will always love you. "And, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu..." in my best Whitney Houston voice. Which is really bad, btw. But, still.
2010. What I hope for you!
Peace. I just want to feel peace. Like everything is going to be okay.
A healthy pregnancy somewhere in the next 365. My OB hopes for you too. Even she's tired of seeing me for bad news.
Some of these extra pounds to come off. I really need to start liking running and be able to get to the gym to do it.
Less family tension. This will sound random and vague, but I really want things to work out better than they have in the past. I don't like the stress. And, I don't know how to fix it. But, I am going to work hard to figure it all out.
A better summer, weather wise. I want to be able to use the pool before August. Mother nature - are you listening? And, if I can provide some guidance for you, I would love the warm, sunny weather to start in May. No need to wait until June for it. TYVM!
So, since I'm such a terrible blogger, I'm gonna go ahead and predict that I won't be posting again anytime soon. I wish you all (all 3 of you who read this), a Merry Christmas and a happy and safe new year. Yep, I said it. Merry Christmas. How non-pc of me. =)
XOXO
In the meantime, this is what I'm thankful for this holiday season.
2009, here it goes:
My healthy baby boy. Maddux is such a rockstar, in every way. He makes us smile and laugh all the time.
My wonderful husband. I can't imagine this journey of life without him.
Good friends. When the going gets tough, they are there with wine.
The crockpot. Makes my life so much easier.
My parents. So much support from them, my love is indescribable.
Bing Crosby. Watching White Christmas every year brings my grampa closer to me. (I think BC and gramps strongly resemble each other in their younger years.)
The new coffeepot. 8 glorious cups. Gets me through the day!
The dishwasher. I had no idea how much I loved you until you were gone.
Chocolate. I will always love you. "And, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu..." in my best Whitney Houston voice. Which is really bad, btw. But, still.
2010. What I hope for you!
Peace. I just want to feel peace. Like everything is going to be okay.
A healthy pregnancy somewhere in the next 365. My OB hopes for you too. Even she's tired of seeing me for bad news.
Some of these extra pounds to come off. I really need to start liking running and be able to get to the gym to do it.
Less family tension. This will sound random and vague, but I really want things to work out better than they have in the past. I don't like the stress. And, I don't know how to fix it. But, I am going to work hard to figure it all out.
A better summer, weather wise. I want to be able to use the pool before August. Mother nature - are you listening? And, if I can provide some guidance for you, I would love the warm, sunny weather to start in May. No need to wait until June for it. TYVM!
So, since I'm such a terrible blogger, I'm gonna go ahead and predict that I won't be posting again anytime soon. I wish you all (all 3 of you who read this), a Merry Christmas and a happy and safe new year. Yep, I said it. Merry Christmas. How non-pc of me. =)
XOXO
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Bombshell
Some of you may already know this about me. And, some, well, this may be shocking. I am a mother of three.
My beautiful son, M, is a big brother to two angel babies. We lost our first angel baby in February 2009. We were surprised to find out on Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. And, we were so excited. That excitement lasted only 11 days. I had a fairly violent miscarriage on February 25. It was, thankfully, all over within 7 hours. I didn't have any physical pain, other than a bump on my head from where I passed out in the bathroom and Rob caught me before I fell too hard. But, my emotional pain was excruciating. I felt like a horrible mother to M, too, since when I came home from the hospital, looking at my beautiful 8 month old made me cry. It made me miss what I no longer had. I spent many months trying to come to terms with that grief.
In the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant again. Elation is a pretty good word for it. I was excited to feel morning sickness. You know, to let you know everything is okay. And, I did. I was nauseous, bloated, insatiably hungry - all great signs of a healthy pregnancy. We even had a scare at one point. Rob and I went in for an ultrasound but everything looked great. It was still early to see a heartbeat. But, the doctor said that the baby looked to be progressing well. There was the beginning of a yolk sac and fetal pole. We were riding high! At the follow up a week later, the ultrasound, unfortunately, showed no further development. Once again, my baby died. This time, it was not as quick. I had to schedule a D&C. I waited 3 days for it. It was a long three days. But, it's over now.
My grief for my second miscarriage is a little different. I feel like it's being delayed since we are now going to do some testing to see if there's a reason I've had two miscarriages in 7 months. I'm not looking forward to that grief hitting me though. I feel like I'm going to be blindsided by it at some point.
Our losses weigh heavily on my mind. As far as I know, only our parents and a few close friends know about them. But, I have an inkling that some of those we trusted in real life with this information did not keep our secret for us. I struggle with going public with this eventually. I get tired of hearing from those that don't know "so, when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet M can't wait to be a big brother." Yeah, I know this. I don't need to be reminded. But, I can't fault someone for saying that if they don't know what we've been through.
But, on the flip side, it breaks my heart to hear a comment like "oh, I had one (m/c) and it's not a big deal." First, please don't negate my feelings. It bears repeating - I'm a mother of 3 who can only hug one child. Second, my babies died. Inside of me. That, in and of itself, is devastating. So, please don't tell me the loss of my child is "no big deal." I won't forget them. Ever.
One thing that is really eating away at me lately is a sense of bitterness over people who don't appreciate what they have, in terms of their children. I feel like I'm in a "why me?" stage right now. I keep thinking of the people who drink, do drugs, smoke and just don't take care of themselves while they are pregnant - yet they reproduce with no problems. And, here I am. Asking why me? Or I should say "Why not me?" I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink (while pregnant) and I try to take care of myself as best as I can.
I love M so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. And, I know I'm lucky to have him. There are a lot of people out there who struggle with infertility (IF). Some of those people, I count as some of my closest friends. So, I don't mean to come off insensitive to that. I just have a different problem - I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I have a problem staying pregnant.
And, with that, I need a break from reliving this.
XOXO
My beautiful son, M, is a big brother to two angel babies. We lost our first angel baby in February 2009. We were surprised to find out on Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. And, we were so excited. That excitement lasted only 11 days. I had a fairly violent miscarriage on February 25. It was, thankfully, all over within 7 hours. I didn't have any physical pain, other than a bump on my head from where I passed out in the bathroom and Rob caught me before I fell too hard. But, my emotional pain was excruciating. I felt like a horrible mother to M, too, since when I came home from the hospital, looking at my beautiful 8 month old made me cry. It made me miss what I no longer had. I spent many months trying to come to terms with that grief.
In the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant again. Elation is a pretty good word for it. I was excited to feel morning sickness. You know, to let you know everything is okay. And, I did. I was nauseous, bloated, insatiably hungry - all great signs of a healthy pregnancy. We even had a scare at one point. Rob and I went in for an ultrasound but everything looked great. It was still early to see a heartbeat. But, the doctor said that the baby looked to be progressing well. There was the beginning of a yolk sac and fetal pole. We were riding high! At the follow up a week later, the ultrasound, unfortunately, showed no further development. Once again, my baby died. This time, it was not as quick. I had to schedule a D&C. I waited 3 days for it. It was a long three days. But, it's over now.
My grief for my second miscarriage is a little different. I feel like it's being delayed since we are now going to do some testing to see if there's a reason I've had two miscarriages in 7 months. I'm not looking forward to that grief hitting me though. I feel like I'm going to be blindsided by it at some point.
Our losses weigh heavily on my mind. As far as I know, only our parents and a few close friends know about them. But, I have an inkling that some of those we trusted in real life with this information did not keep our secret for us. I struggle with going public with this eventually. I get tired of hearing from those that don't know "so, when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet M can't wait to be a big brother." Yeah, I know this. I don't need to be reminded. But, I can't fault someone for saying that if they don't know what we've been through.
But, on the flip side, it breaks my heart to hear a comment like "oh, I had one (m/c) and it's not a big deal." First, please don't negate my feelings. It bears repeating - I'm a mother of 3 who can only hug one child. Second, my babies died. Inside of me. That, in and of itself, is devastating. So, please don't tell me the loss of my child is "no big deal." I won't forget them. Ever.
One thing that is really eating away at me lately is a sense of bitterness over people who don't appreciate what they have, in terms of their children. I feel like I'm in a "why me?" stage right now. I keep thinking of the people who drink, do drugs, smoke and just don't take care of themselves while they are pregnant - yet they reproduce with no problems. And, here I am. Asking why me? Or I should say "Why not me?" I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink (while pregnant) and I try to take care of myself as best as I can.
I love M so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. And, I know I'm lucky to have him. There are a lot of people out there who struggle with infertility (IF). Some of those people, I count as some of my closest friends. So, I don't mean to come off insensitive to that. I just have a different problem - I don't have a problem getting pregnant. I have a problem staying pregnant.
And, with that, I need a break from reliving this.
XOXO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
